middles

There is a ton that I have been learning and doing these days. But I haven’t written cause I was comparing my life to other bogs. I have no commitments to bathe more, no dreams of Romanian squirrels, no adventures picking blackberries among the giants. But then I remembered why I started this blog.

Once again I find myself quite a ways from those I love and those who love me. And apparently you all wanna know what’s going on with me in this new adventure. And since keeping those that are far away updated with my life is the reason I started this blog low those many years ago, here we go with some scattershot snippets of life in Chicago.

I am living in a one bedroom apartment. It is great in the mornings as my routine and noise don’t disturb anyone and the only thing I have to concentrate on is getting out the door in time for class or chapel.

Chapel is Mondays and Thursdays which are the days that I have 1pm classes. So not only do they serve to build community and learning, they server to get me out of the house before noon.

Tuesday and Wednesday I have 8am classes (Thursday I also have a 3pm class and a 6:30pm class).

So far classes are good. Tons of reading, which isn’t my strength, but it needs to get done, so it does.

Coming home in the evenings is harder, as there isn’t forced community going on. As much as living in community at ARCG was a struggle at times, there was nothing better than coming home to a movie or a game of Quelf already in progress. So I have to go and find community. I have to ask to hang out, I have to be vulnerable, I have to go and seek out the awesome people that I am surrounded by. (prayer request number one=that I would be intentional about seeking out community)

Thursdays are my longest day. After classes end at 9pm, there is a Vespers service. For those of you who went to Simpson think Worship Jam. For those of you who didn’t think an hour of worship through music with undergrad and seminary students alike.
Last Thursday was particularly impactful.

That afternoon I sat in class and took notes on the difference doctrines of Christ. We learned of the 3rd-5th century debates where various Church Fathers veered to far left or right when defining either the humanity or the divinity of Christ. Doctrinal disagreements leading to arguments, papers written, councils called, bar songs being written, excommunication of the other side enacted by both parties, and official positions being taken.

It is easy to sit and laugh at the early church (forgetting we do much the same today) for their fighting, for their obvious faults in logic and Biblical understanding, and forget that they were defining and shaping the faith that we have today. That night at Vespers, we sang about Christ, who He is and His work in our lives. It was wonderful to worship my God in spirit and in truth, to worship in the classroom and in the chapel. To know that sound theology lies behind the lyrics and that the lyrics help to teach and define the theology.

That morning I had a conversation with a close friend about how God was digging into my life to redefine my identity, and the specific areas where I was still holding on to it. That evening we also sang songs about God’s goodness. Songs about God’s unfailing love. (prayer request number 2, that I will let go and let God. That my identity will be found solely in him.)

I have found a tiny (by CA standards) Presbyterian Church less than a mile north of campus. It is a congregation of two hundred that is predominately Japanese. They need help in their Children’s Ministry department. If all continues to go forward I will be taking a (paying no less) internship with them starting in January. (request number three, that this internship will meet my financial needs so that I can continue to stay at North Park.)

Found a couple of grocery stores within walking distance. One is largely Middle Eastern and the other is multi-cultural. The down side is that both charge way too much for cereal.

So the long and the short of it all is my greatest physical need is that I can’t find cheap cereal, my greatest academic woe is that reading is hard, and my great spiritual struggle is fighting God as he wants to remake me so that I trust Him more and rely not on the temporal things of this world.

I suppose life isn’t too bad. (I’ll write again after it snows.)

Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away,

--Jesse Letourneau

beginnings

I have tried to write a deep meaningful blog a couple different times this week. There are too many themes, too many thoughts, too many emotions swirl ling around for me to land on any one thing.

I can say I love it here.
I feel like this is exactly where God has me.

When I left Alliance, and even in Long Beach, there were no formal prayers commissioning me out. I think because what I learned at ARCG is only going to magnified and intensified during this season. My time before camp and my time at camp were contrasts and different seasons, now I think I am in a "same song, next verse" setting. That camp was just the baby step, just the warm up for what God is doing in me during this season of growth.

I have been tempted to stop and reflect, but I would rather just experience, just be here. With all the fears and doubts, with all the assurance and signs, with new friends and nights spent alone, all of it, just to let it be and let it sit. I don't know what it all means yet. I just know that I am in for something big. And I am all in.

If you don't yet know I have some pics up over at facebook from the neighborhood.

Which reminds me I did want to report on a few bits to begin to paint a pic of where I am. There are roughly 40 first year students and just under 100 seminary students. I like like 10 feet from the library and 20 from the Seminary building. I am in a one bedroom apartment, which is nice in the morning, and can be hard in the afternoon/evenings with no one around.

I have three "real classes" Interpreting the New Testament, Identity in Ministry and History of the Church and Mission. Along with a one unit class called Spiritual Journey that is designed more to feed us than to impart further knowledge/stress on us. And another one unit called Vocational excellent, which will occur during the week long break in October.

I do have peanut butter, bread, and some cliff bars in fridge. Still figuring out money stuff, and I think when that happens I will feel freer to spend some money on me. I did go to the Mexican place on the corner. I have had their tacos and their torta, both were disappointing. I do hold out hope for the burrito which can serve as two meals for like $3 plus tip.

--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
--Jesse Letourneau

It's time to light the lights

It’s 7:05pm and I get a call on my cell. Not having a hands free device I let it go to voicemail. 7:10 and the familiar chime of a received message beeps from my pocket. I am already ten minutes late, so I risk the ticket and pull the phone out at the next light. A voice comes from the phone’s loud speaker telling me that if I am not there by 7:15pm I won’t be let in.

I make it to the parking lot and park my Civic. Spurred on by adrenaline, I make the two hundred yard dash to the theatre in time to receive my wristband. The dark green piece of paper I attach around my wrist ensures that I will be able to experience something that I have never been able to do before. I am about to witness a big screen viewing of my childhood heroes the Muppets.

To make the evening even more special I am about to watch not just a simple rerun of one of the classic Muppet Movies. I am about to see a sneak preview of this November's sure to be break out film, merely titled The Muppets. And from this point forward SPOILER WARNINGS are in effect. (None plot specific)

There are original songs. There are a ton of cameos (I know big surprise), and many of them go by so quickly that the old cliché of blink and you might miss them actually applies. The puppets look great. The performances are wonderful. And Walter absolutely belongs to this world.

And now for the he big question: “Was it any good?” Yes, yes it was. It was all kinds of good. Will it bring throngs of new fans into the theatres for years to come? Will it spawn television shows, guest appearances on late night television, and scores of lunch boxes, backpacks, and watches adorned with singing frogs and dancing bears? That I don’t know.

I can tell you it was definitely aimed at the adult fan. This film isn’t as much an introduction of the characters to new fans as much as it is an exercise in asking us older folks, “Remember them?” The film’s central question- Can we go back to the way things were or is it time to move on and grow up?- is a question often echoed by those in their 20s and 30s, those old enough to have childhood memories of the Muppets. Using the Muppets as the cultural icon to ask this question in allegoric form works quite well.

I am glad the Muppets are back, and look forward to seeing the film again when hits theatres in November.

--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
--Jesse Letourneau

special thanks to the Kry

I know there are times
your dreams turn to dust
you wonder as you cry
why it has to hurt so much
give Me all your sadness
someday you will know the reason why
wih a child-like heart
simply put your hope in Me

take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on Me alone
don't you say why were the old days' better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk

don't live in the past
cause yesterday's gone
wishing memories would last
you're afraid to carry on
you don't know what's comin'
but you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
take you through the night
if you keep your eyes on Me

just like a child
holding daddy's hand
don't let go of mine
you know you can't stand on your own

take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on Me alone
don't you say why were the old days' better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk

--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
--Jesse Letourneau

Journal Entry from 8/11/11

Unpacking and Packing
Several years ago I went on a mission trip to England. As our time came to a close our leader Tom spoke to us about unpacking. He noted that when we returned home we be unpacking not just our clothes and souvenirs, but our memories and lessons learned as well. Tom said that some lessons would be unpacked as soon as we got home, while others could take days and months, and some even years.

Since that trip, I have tried to look at what I am learning and how past experiences, even those years and decades past form and inform the present.

The present is a tricky thing for me. I like to look down the road. I like to know what is next. I like to plan. I want to have control.

I have sat at kitchen tables, gym floors, and airports surrendering my control to God. Each time a baby step, a microcosm of my movement toward God.

As I write, memories and lessons of this year crash and swirl together. Trying to make sense of my past, praying to present and enjoy my time here and now, some days dreading the future-yet learning to obey-and learning to not doubt my God who has my future.

I was recently found a note in my mailbox that reminded me that, "Life is not like a movie. God writes our endings." In the same note my friend mentioned that there was pain in this year for me. There definitely was pain, but as time moves on and the present becomes the past the pain grows smaller and it becomes harder to see. Lessons began to form and take its place. I have begun to unpack some of these lessons.

I am not only unpacking memories and lessons as I look back; I am trying to pack up-to store up-memories and lessons to take with me to Chicago. I am also trying to physically pack up my clothes and souvenirs to take with me to Chicago. That has not gone as planned. There is still much to do before I leave for Long Beach, and even more before I leave for Chicago. However, I am also trying to pack up some memories in my last few days to take with me. So clothes are left on shelves, but opportunities are not wasted.

DCB with PC

Wednesday night Phillip and I went to go see the David Crowder Band at the Sonoma County Fair. I didn’t know I was going to that 7:30pm show until 3:30pm that day. Merv and the Spring Hill Community Church worship band opened for DCB that night. Merv gave two of his comped tickets to me and Phillip.

The seats were in section DD. Both Phillip and I assumed that we would be rocking the nose bleed section of the outdoor venue that night. We met some other friends at the fair who had purchased their tickets online. As we walked in through the general admission gate, we were pulled aside and told that we had come in the wrong way. Our entrance was on the other side. We were escorted to the correct gate and given a new hand stamp. The seats were basically a mosh pit with chairs, and we were ten rows back from the stage. We had taken the lowly seats and been given places of honor.

This picture as silly as it may seem, reminded me of how my God is in the business of raising people up. How God desires for us to be used in ways we could never dream possible.

There were several people I knew already there. Seeing friends from work and RCC, singing and praising our heavenly Father, reminded me of the undreamed blessing I have already received from God. That night assured me that God can and will use me in Chicago.

The night reminded me that while Abraham walked (however imperfectly) in faith, he did so after God had given him a promise. Moses went to Pharaoh after receiving a promise from God. Joshua took command of the Israelites after receiving a promise from God. All of these men had limited views of how God was going to work. Their faith was in the promise of God. The promise that while they didn’t know how, they knew that he would indeed work.

I certainly do not know how God is going to work in me in Chicago but I know he will. I know this because I too have been given a promise. I have been promised that I am to work with kids. To teach them about Christ’s unfailing love for them. To teach them the promises of God.

DCB left the stage to chants of “Of one more song!” They returned and played an encore of “Here I am to worship.”

As I raised my voice, my hand, and my heart to God, that song summed up that night and this last month. As I sang I was reminded of the countless times I had proclaimed that He was my God. As I looked up at the moon filled sky, as I heard friends and strangers praising, I knew that my God was all together worthy, all together lovely- and that He has been all together wonderful to me.

I was reminded of the countless times I had sung this song before. I recalled the tables, floors and airports where I had called out to God. As the melody looped back around and the words, “Here I am to worship” came from my lips, I knew that it was not a declaration of location, but of motivation.

I have loved my time here in Northern California. However, I am no longer here to worship. My place is now in Chicago.

Under the night sky I once again surrendered my control to God. As I thought on the past and savored the present, I knew that God has undreamed blessings upon my future.

--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
--Jesse Letourneau

train of thought

So random tidbits,

My car battery died yesterday, hopefully that is all it is and not the alternator (getting that checked out today).

I am in Occidental for a length of time that will require only one more haircut.

Obedience is hard, but it is easier than faith.

Ping pong balls only go missing on my days off.

From the outside it is possible to see what could be, but it is not easy from the outside to see what is.

I have learned more than I thought was possible this year.

There are days I feel like I have forgotten more than was possible.

I don't think I will have closure to my time here at Alliance, because what I have learned was only the prologue for what God has for me in Chicago.

I NEVER thought I would pursue being a pastor.

I never thought I would move somewhere without a job lined up.

I don't know what state I will be in, but I know where I will be Thanksgiving weekend (at a theatre watching The Muppets).

All the plans I once held dear

I now count as loss

Hoping/Needing/Always Needing to be taken back to the cross.

I never in a million years thought that from where I was I could end up here.

I have no idea how what I thought I wanted and needed didn't come to pass, and have no idea how much better God's plan for me is.

I need to find an excuse to drive the Gator one more time.

--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
--Jesse Letourneau

Traveling to Egypt

Abraham is often cited (and rightly so) for being a man of extraordinary faith. God told him to go, and he did. God didn't say where exactly, or how long it would take, just to go. Hebrews tells us that faith is the evidence of things not seen the assurance of things hoped for.

When I was a child I assumed this verse spoke of belief in Christ, trusting in God, and having my ticket punched for my train ride to heaven. To be sure faith in an unseen God is crucial. It is the starting point, but I am learning faith is much more than that.

Abraham wasn't given a clear destination. I have been given one. Here is the thing, I haven't been told the how. I hate not knowing the how. I hate not having control, I hate the unknown. I struggle with faith.

It is funny that I have used the word destination, as if Chicago/North Park was the end of the road. As if once I get into school, once I get a ministry of my own, then I am done growing. Then God will use me, but surely He won't stretch me any further. As if then I will have finally arrived.

When Abraham was told to go, he went. And then he hit trouble. Famine hit the land and Abe decided he needed to eat. There was food in Egypt, and so logically he went there. The problem was that Egypt was off the course. Egypt was Abe's answer to the problem not God's. Now once in Egypt, Abraham made a few other costly mistakes (that ironically enough came about due to lack of faith). I think lack of faith comes when we think we have a better answer than what God has.

The astute among you will know that I have written about destination and journeys on this blog before. You will note that I have written about being in a place of peace in allowing the journey to take precedent over just reaching the destiny. Those of you who know me well, will know that this didn't come easy, and that I am likely to have to repeat my lessons.

I had this picture of me living in a small place eating, but not eating well, getting by, and going to school. I saw this picture of the first act of a cliched small town boy moves to big city kind of story. And I was okay with that, until this job opportunity came along. Then I didn't want to suffer, I wanted the easy road, and that is the path I pursued.

I didn't get the Children's Minister position in Chicago. Which means not only was I taking pieces of the puzzle that were not yet mine and trying to fit them into the picture I wanted to make, it also means I still don't know how I am going pay for things like food and shelter. I know God can provide, my heart is just having trouble finding the faith that He will. Cause I want the control, I want to know how things are going to work.


--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
--Jesse Letourneau