My second sixth birthday.

Last week I turned 35.

Last week I saw an old friend that I hadn't seen in close to 20 years.

Last week I learned a little bit more about myslef, and this friend reminded me that I am who I am suppose to be just by being myself.

But before we get there, we have to go back to the day I first met him.

I entered Kindergarten at the age of five.  And I had just one friend.  His name was Justin.  Justin and I did everything together.  We played together, did art together, we ate lunch together.  Justin was my closest friend.  Justin was my only friend.  Then one fall day, Justin moved away.  I remember my teacher telling me this would happen.  I remember my partents warning me that school would be different with out my confidant there.  The next school day I would turn six.  (Actually, this probally happened closer to October or November, but I am trying to build some symetry here.)

I remember that day.  I rememberr standing at the back of the room looking out at all the toys, looking at all the art supplies, looking at all the other kids, and having absolutely no ideas what I was suppose to do.  I didn't know how to interact without Justin there.  So I simply stood and stared.

Then a kid named Adam Kline bounded into my life.  He came over and we played together.  We did art together, we ate lunch together.  We did everything together.  Adam and I grew up together.  We spent as much time together as we did with our own biological brothers.  Adam was my closest friend.  He taught me that the best way to have friends is to be a friend.  He was the one that introuduced me to comic books.  Adam was the one who first saw something unique and good in me.  (He said of all the Avengers (our template for how the world worked) that I was most like the moral and upright Captain America.  This was the first time someone saw something good in me before I saw it in myslef.)

Then junior high hit.  Adam moved across town and went to a new school.  Then highschool hit, followed by college.  I moved out of our hometown.  Adam stayed.  Somewhere in the middle of all this we lost touch with each other.  We knew more or less what the other one was doing, but with few exceptions we now lived seperate lives.

Last week Golden Shoulders of Nevada City, California played in Chicao, Illinois.  Adam Kline is the front man for said band.  They were playing on my 35th birthday (this time it was in fact the actual day).  There was no way I was not going to see this show and miss a chance to hang out with Adam Kline once a gain.

I grew up in a culture of Christianity that was conservative in every since of the word.  Good people, who love God, but they saw a closed world, with closed theology, which often lead to closed off missions and closed off lives.  I have found the typical reaction to this form of religiousity is to either accpet it lock, stock, and barrell, questioning nothing, and accepting closed theology and a closed off life; or to throw the cross out with the conservative bathwater (if I can mix and mangle my metaphors).

As I look around my predominatley liberal Christian culutre here in seminary, I wonder if I am the only one who grew up as I did, the only one who still sees the value in absolutes, but doesn't hold them absolutely.

Speaking with Adam after the show I found out that I wasn't alone.  I was assured that there was someone else who had taken the same journey that I had.  I was comfrted to talk with someone who had sifted and weighed what we were taught as children and held on the good, held on the truths, held onto the cross, but has left behind that which can led to a closed off life.

The title of this entry is "My second sixth birthday."  It is taken in part from the idea presented in this comic, that breaks life into seven year chunks.  At "35" I am just beginning my sixth life.  (I fudged the timeline of when I first met Adam, to be able to get away with saying):

So I spent my second sixth birthday as I spent my first: learning from a guy named Adam Kline that
I don't have to stand at the back of the room and stare at the new toys and wonder where I fit with the new kids.  I am who I am suppsoe to be.  And more importantly, I am who I am just by being myself.

--Serving alongside all of you, just from further away,
--Jesse Letourneau

I want my flying car...

...and a hover board!

What was I watching?

A few years back; I remembered watching as a child this television show with a spaceship/roller coaster, a giant unblinking clown, and a hyper active pun spewing monkey.  I asked my friends about it, and was a little upset when no one remembered it.  Thanks to the shared memories of my brother (I knew growing up with a little brother would pay off someday) and the wonder of the wide wide world of web I was able to put my mind at ease to find out the show did indeed exist.



The interwebs was able to confirm that I did indeed witness the greatness of "the Coaster" as a small child.  Today, however, the www of web has proven that I hold a false childhood memory as well.  I vividly remember watching the Jim Henson Hour with my family in the Fall of 1990, however the Jim Henson Hour did not air then.  So what was I watching?

Also, while we are on the topic of childhood memories:  As a child of the 80s I was naturally also a teen of the 1990s.  Thank to this article I now understand why I had such an unrealistic expectation of high school.


 --Jesse Letourneau

A Year Ago/Today

A Year Ago

The ODEC at Alliance Redwoods

Today

Dinner and movies with friends

Now

The yard between my church and my apt.


  

A year ago

The blue glow of a computer screen

Today

Explosions of colors in the night sky

A year ago

The counsel of a friend

Today

A shriek of whistles and the pops and bangs that follow

A year ago

Making the wrong guess each time

Today

Second Guessing

A year ago

Wondering where the story was going

Today

Embracing the company of old friends I’ve just met

A year ago

Waiting

Today

Entering the seventh month of my internship with 20 units of grad work completed

A Year ago

Uncertain of all but one thing

Today

Certain of only one thing

--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
 --Jesse Letourneau

Little Things part 5 (Sunday June 24)

When I was little and I was by myself, I used to sing a song to the Lord.  It was a simple act of worship arising from a simple song.  The song was I Love You Lord (and I Lift my voice); it is a repetitive song and it allowed me to meditate and pray while I sang.

The summer before I left home for college I sat on the swings of my elementary school playground, singing that song and praying.  It was a time to say good bye to my past, say goodbye to my childhood.  It was a time to let go of the past's familiarity and trust God's guidance for the future.

I sang this song a few other times since then.  But its been years since it has come to my head.

This morning I gave my first sermon.  There was some nervous energy running through me as I sat in the CM Office.  Sunday School classes were cared for, and still and hour before the service started, so I sat down and and began to pray.  As I did one song came to mind: I Love You Lord.  Even when I'm alone I don't sing aloud.  This is the one song I sing aloud; loud enough to be heard.   As I began to trust God for my role in the service, I continued to sing.

As the service started I sat in the pew, and listen to announcements and responsive readings, and sang the songs.  Then the worship team began to sing, I love you, Lord.


My sermon was about ministry (taken from Matthew 14:13-21)  It was about giving our best and watching God take what we have and make it so much better.

Here is the audio of the sermon
 
--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
 --Jesse Letourneau

Thaing up the school year

Almost a month ago my first year of seminary came to a close with a Thai ceremony.

According to the ex-missionary, current professor who shared the ceremony with us, in Thailand people take small strands of cotton string and tie them around the wrists of friends and loved ones.  As they do so, they say a blessing over the gift's receiver.  This ritual often accompanies a time of transition. To end our time together as classmates in "Religions and Culture" we took the last twenty minutes of class to share encouragement, blessings, and string with each other.

Traditionally, the strings are only worn for three days.  I have had mine on for three weeks.  I have kept them as a reminder.  I have kept them hoping to remember the feelings of that day.

As we went around the room and shared blessings one with another I found myself standing in one place waiting for others to come to me.  I didn't feel that I had anything to share with the others.  This has been a theme for me this semester.  This semester my sin and shame have been very close to my conscience.  And on this day I was feeling particularly unworthy.

There has been a second theme this semester.  This year God has repeatedly reminded me of my worth before him.  In chapels, academic reading, friends, counseling, and many more times this year the refrain God has played for me is that I have incredible worth and incredible value in his eyes.

The third stanza for this semester was my learning to stop and receive this love, this acceptance.  Sometimes it encourages me to action, other times I can barley take it all in.  I have saved bulletins, I have rehearsed conversations already spoken, I have tried to hold onto the feelings of acceptance that seems so fleeting.  So now I wear around my left wrist a reminder of the blessings spoke into my life on that day nearly a month ago.  I did return a blessing to others when I could find the words.  But mostly, I stood in the corner and tried to take it all in.  I tried to push back the tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat as I received the love God had for me that day.

Yet feelings are so very fleeting.  However, we are not called to feelings but to relationships.  I was reminded of this truth by reading this blog.  I have been trying to find ways to hold onto feelings and memories, rather than living in the now.  Living in relationship.  Living with my God.

This summer has been hard.  There is a lot of free time.  I find myself spending a lot of my free time on the pointless and selfish.  I find myself running from the man of God that I began to see myself as this semester.  It has been the boring, non-fulfilling life of one called to so much more.  What I need is to move from the "hard" life to the arduous one.  To move to a posture of working at the relationship, to give to it, to stay with it despite the fleeting feelings of the moment.






--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
--Jesse Letourneau

Hulk Smash

So here are my completely unasked for thoughts on the Avengers movie.

There isn't much left to say at this point.  Just about everyone loves it and it made over a bajillion dollars at the box office.

So I am going to talk about the Hulk.  Everyone loves him and he is being touted as the breakout star of the film.  Some are noting that Marvel finally got the Hulk right.  I don't think it is so much about finally getting the Hulk "right" but about getting the Hulk into a third act.

By my count there are three (modern) Hulk movies Hulk (2003-with Eric Bana and directed by Ang Lee) The 2008 Ed Norton The Incredible Hulk, and this year's Avengers.  I agree that Hulk was awesome in the Avengers.  What I disagree with is that Marvel finally got it right.  My thesis is that we needed the other two films to get to the satisfying portrayal of Hulk in the Avengers.

In high school I had a history teacher that boiled philosophy down to three questions: Who am I?  Why am I here? and Where am I going?  I believe that (well done) superhero movies answer these three questions.

Most superhero films start with the origin:  Mild manner so and so, runs into some kinda accident, montage designing a costume and learning how to control their powers, fight with minor villain to show competence (or minor fight with the major villain), then big knock down drag out fight with the big bad.  Victory, big musical score, action pose, credits role.

The main draw back to these types of films is that most want to see the fighting and not so much the becoming.  Spider-Man works because Sam Rami made the becoming fun to watch.  Iron Man works because Tony Stark is fun to watch even when he isn't in the flying suit.  Hulk (2003) suffered because no one wanted to watch Bruce struggle with inner demons, they just wanted to see HULK SMASH!  Most heroes become better people after the transformation and revel in the joy of flying through the sky or swinging from buildings.  Bruce doesn't like being the other guy, so to be true to the character you gotta keep the Hulk at bay.  And that ain't any fun.

So the origin film answers the question: Who am I?  In the case of the Hulk the answer was a conflicted guy who no one wants to watch wine about his childhood.  And yes there are other problems with the Ang Lee Hulk film, but I still contend you have to establish the before and after of the character.  You have to answer the Who before you answer the Why.

The Incredible Hulk (2008) had the advantage that all superhero sequels have.  We know who is behind the mask, so now we can just get on with the story.  However, like all story there needs to be conflict.  Most second superhero outings ask the question "Why am I here?"

Sure the first film ends on a heroic note and the do gooder wishes to, well, do good.  But doing good comes with a price.  Usually for the cape and tight crowds it means giving up a normal life.  The "Why am I here?" question becomes "Am I here for them or me?"  I have this great power, do I really need to live into the great responsibility?  Superman II, Spider-Man II, and The Dark Knight all touch on this theme (Hellboy II takes this question and flips it on its head).  Hulk II aka The Incredible Hulk asks this question as well.

In the Ed Norton film, Banner wants to get rid of the Hulk because he wants a normal life.  And what happens at the end?  He makes a sacrifice for the greater good.  He gives up the normal life for our greater good.  That final scene where "The Days Without Incident" clicks down to Zero and Banner smirks as his eyes go green sets up the appearance of Hulk in the Avengers.  Now that we have answered the first two questions (Who and Why) the Hulk is a rounded character and we can get to the third question.

The third question "Where am I going?"  is a bit of a stretch in this analogy, but bear with me.  The third Super-Hero film often puts the protagonist up against the question, "Whose side am I on?"  that is to say "Where am I going?"  The hero has the powers and a normal life is out of the question, but the question that remains is "Do I have to be selfless or can I be selfish"?  Granted that sounds a little like question two, but there is a nuance between the two.

Most comic films have the hero face an "evil version" of themselves in their third chapter.  Sadly, this has rarely been done well.  But with the Hulk this is a tailor made story line.  The evil version is the Hulk himself.  Note that throughout the Avengers Banner refers to the Hulk as "the other guy."

That is why the  big reveal with the line (SPOILERS)"I am always angry."(END SPOILERS) is so great.  The Hulk owns up to who he is.  He owns his flaws, he owns his strengths, and he saves the day.

Yes having Joss Whedon write and direct helped.  Yes having better CGI now than in 2003 helped.  Yes having the Hulk play off other characters helped.  Yes the Hulk taking control was brilliant and hadn't been done before in the other films, but I believe without the other two stories as foundation this revelation wouldn't mean as much.  It wouldn't have been earned.  It wouldn't have been as satisfying to finally see the Hulk stop running from himself, if we hadn't been on that journey thus far with him.

And yes Hulk dogs are still the dumbest thing in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

 

--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away

 --Jesse Letourneau