The Last Four Months Part 1 and 2

So, it has been four months since I have put pen to paper. Well, it has been four months since I have blogged in a major way. So much has happened in the last four months I doubt it will all be put down here. So much has happened in the last three days, I don't yet know what it all means.

So when we last left our tale of my "heroes journey" I was back from Africa and reflecting on the lessons of that trip. Last night I found myself doing the same thing. Last night, I was reminded of God's call on my life to serve kids, to serve kids that have no one else.

On February 14, I had a discussion about our lives in Christ and how they are like a puzzle. However, we aren't always given a view of all the pieces at one time. Sometimes where you think a certain piece fits into the story isn't where it belongs at all. Sometimes you have pieces, yet you have no clue how they fit into the masterpiece God is weaving, and you just have to wait. This season was about waiting.

Sometimes you have a piece that you know fits, but you don't know where. You don't have the compliment to the piece. Sometimes you don't know how things are going to work out and you have to trust that the piece you have will connect to the rest in due time. Sometimes you have to follow the what even when you don't know the how. Sometimes you have to risk. The season was about risk.

On February 18, I went on a date with a co worker from camp. That date lead to a relationship. That relationship led to several pieces being handed to me. However, I assumed I knew where they went. I assumed that what I wanted, that the picture I would paint matched perfectly with what God had for me.

Just over eight weeks later we broke up. The pieces, the growth, the lessons, the truths, the time, the memories, the experiences, the treasure of each moment with her were all still there. Only now they looked different. They fit together differently. How they played into the picture was completely different.

I had taken risks and the end result was God letting me know that it was time once again to wait. Time to continue to be single. Time to rely on Him for who I am, rely on Him and nothing more, rely on no one else for how I see myself. Time again to wait.

In the middle of all this I was given yet another piece to my story. I was encouraged to apply to North Park Seminary in Chicago.

I am assured that I am a Children's Pastor. I simply do not yet have a church at which I serve full time. Going to North Park seemed to be the answer. Seemed to be the next step, the next piece, the next chapter. However, I have no money (well some, but compared to the cost of moving/living/and paying for school I have none).

When God calls, God provides. So I applied. I applied for the full tuition Presidential Scholarship.

I was accepted into North Park. I was denied the scholarship. So, now I am left holding pieces that don't fit together. Holding chapters with major plot holes. Holding onto fear that I will end up where I was two and half years ago. Praying to let go of fear and hold onto God. Knowing that the pieces do fit, just not in the way, just not in the time that I first thought.

This season is about waiting. This season is about risk.

Moses was called to go to Pharaoh and tell him to let the Hebrews leave Egypt. And what did Moses get for his obedience? Pharaoh mad at him, his countrymen made to work harder, and the Hebrew leaders upset with him for meddling in their affairs. If I was Moses I would be mad. I would be upset. I would be holding onto fear that maybe I imagined that flaming shrubbery, and this wasn't what God had for me.

But Moses went back. And Pharaoh said no. And Moses went back again, and Pharaoh said no. God was doing more than showing Moses about obedience and being used of God. God was dealing with Pharaoh, with the Hebrews, with Egypt, with promises made to Abraham, and with setting the tone for what would be the future of Israel. And in the end Moses and his people walked across dry land, while Pharaoh and his army did the dead man's float (Oh, baby let my people go, yeah, yeah, yeah, I said Oh baby...)

I have some pieces and I don't know how they all fit. I know one is a picture of me as Children's Pastor. I know that one is not me returning here to camp. I know that one is not returning home to live on a couch and nurse my emotional wounds.

I know that I have been accepted into North Park. I know that Chicago sounds like a great city. I know that North Park had programs to work with inner city kids. I know my heart for South Africa may be met, in some small way, by working with them. I know that the piece with me as a Children's Pastor needs to be one I follow in obedience. I know that a degree can help this become a reality. God showed me North Park. He never said that it would be free. He never said that it would be easy or comfortable or only take me two years.

Waiting and Risk. But waiting in the One who fulfills His promises. Taking risks with the One who fulfills all his promises.

--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away

--Jesse "Gonzo" Letourneau

The story of my first date with Emily (for those of you who care):
I entered the Spring Semester here at ARCG, with the thought that I would do my job, look for churches to serve in full time Children's ministry, and then move on. That and nothing more.

I told God that I was happy to put aside the pursuit of finding someone to date of finding "that right one", and focus on my task here at camp. Focus on pursuing full time ministry. I have been single for the vast majority of my adult life. I have been on a handfull of dates, but never "dated" anyone. I have had countless friends tell me that God would bring me the right person as soon as I stopped looking.

I can't tell you how much I hated that advice. How do you turn off the part of you that knows "it is not good for man to be alone?" How do you stop wanting community at the most intimate level? How? To be honest, I could make a big deal about how I did just that. How I trusted God and his timing. How I finally stopped looking and rested in where I was. But, here is the problem. I never actually did that.

I stopped looking, because there was nothing left to seek. I looked around at my life at camp and my life at church and there was no one there who was a compliment to who I was. There were plenty of godly women around, but none were the right one for me.

So, I told God that I could wait. What other choice did I have?

This January I met a new coworker named Emily. She grew up in a Covenant Church (which just happens to be the denomination of the church I am attending). However, I always hesitate to offer rides to church because I am there for both services and I don't want anyone to have to wait around for me. Emily doesn't mind, in fact enjoys spending time alone. I started giving her a ride to and from church on Sundays. Our friendship grew out of these times together.

Roughly a month into the Spring Semester (and yes, Daria they are semesters), my roommate and I were discussing a retreat we went on last fall, and how there was a girl there from another camp who liked me. Which of course I was completely oblivious to. Only half joking, I asked him why he didn't tell me. He asked, if I wanted him to tell me when he saw these things. I told him I did.

"Pursue Emily" was the response.

The next couple of weeks I thought and prayed about my feelings for Emily, and what I should do. All the while paying attention to her, and noticing her smiling at me when she thought I wasn't looking, and laughing at my jokes that weren't funny.

It was during this time that Scott Peterson recomened I started looking at North Park Seminary. On the ride home I was sharing with Emily about the news. Our conversation allowed me to process what I thought about the idea. While, I was intially nervous about the change (I still am), I was also beginning to see how well North Park fit what God has for me.

Emily remarked, "I am really excited for you." That was the moment I knew I needed to invest in this girl. I knew that we liked each other, and that we were compatible, but I hadn't done anything out of the friend range at this point. The way she said it, though conveyed that she cared about me and my following God. She didn't try and scheme to keep me around. I knew that she had my best interests at heart (and her definition of my best interests, is me following God, which is an incredible thing).

So it took me another week to fall for her completely, and to decide, that even though I was possibly leaving camp soon, that a relationship with her was worth the risk.

We went to dinner on a Friday. We tried two places, but both were closed, so while driving in circles in the dark, and playing with my GPS, and making cracks about the Holy Spirit (guiding us) and being the Holy Spirit for each other (she was choosing the third place), and kinda flirting, we arrived at a little burger joint. It is owned by a Greek family and we got complimentary falafel!

We sat and talked, and told our stories (Okay, we all know I talked more than she did). We talked about God calling us to camp and danced around the issue in front of us.

On the drive home the following conversation took place:
Emily, "Can I ask an awkward question?"
Jesse, "Please do."
Emily, "Is this a date?"
Jesse, "I kinda hoped it was, and would be disappointed if it wasn't."
Emily, "I would be disappointed too."

Then I blabbed about how much I liked her (and may have scared her a little). We came home and hung out a little.

I walked her to her house and made a comment about awkward moments. She said how about a high five? I gave her a high five, and a side hug. Then went home.

The little things

So if you believe in coincidence then you will chalk up my story to nothing more than that.

If you know my God, then you will no doubt see his fingerprints on this story.

Change, Journey, Destination, Risk, Growth, Manhood, Servanthood, even Puzzles. These words have defined my road the last two years here at Alliance. Some of them stretching even farther back than that. This semester has been wrapped up in the word Identity. I have much more to write on that when the time comes.

The very condensed back story to this entry is that my identity has been shaken and stripped. Who I thought God was making me to be I no longer trusted in. I felt alone and I felt helpless. I had no control. And instead of giving control back to God (or rather admitting He had it all along) I tried to find it in other ways and by other means.

All the while my prayer was that I could give God control. But I knew I didn't really want to. Not just yet. I wanted to wallow just a little longer.

One thing I thought I knew was God’s calling for me to attend North Park Seminary in Chicago. There is another story for another day, but the short version is God asked me to become a Children's Pastor (see previous entries) and showed me my next turn was to attend North Park in Chicago.

I was happy to apply to the school, apply for the scholarships, and then wait. However, when my life turned upside down, when what I was holding onto for my identity was radically shaken, I stopped trusting and became anxious. I checked my mailbox every day (sometimes multiple times a day, as if the mailman was going to circle back and deliver a letter he had placed on the dashboard of his little white truck) for news from North Park. I needed assurance that I still knew where God was taking me. Even if only in the physical sense. I knew what I truly needed was to meet with God. To focus not on my needs but on His Word.

Here is something that a prospective seminary student maybe shouldn't admit. I have lost my Bible.

I work at a Christian camp and am literally surrounded by Bibles. But like a little whinny baby, I wanted MY Bible. Only MY Bible could do. I didn't really believe this lie, I just wanted to put off hearing from God. I was afraid of what He would say. I was afraid He would ask me to trust Him even if seminary rejected me and I had no plans for the fall.

This weekend I was sick. Legitimately sick. Symptoms, fever, aches, the whole nine yards. But I used this as an excuse to just wallow in self doubt and self pity and second guessing. I used the excuse that I was tired and wouldn't get anything out of reading the Bible.

This morning I had the day off, and felt much better. I got a couple of chores done, and even went outside. But still I felt bad, and wanted to feel that way. I knew how to change my attitude, I simply chose not to.

After dinner this evening I checked my mail (for like the third time today). And there wasn't an letter that the postman had forgotten. Instead there was a Bible bought at a second hand store. A Bible bought for me by a friend knowing I had lost mine.

So, having a Bible of my own, I sat down and read. Nothing fancy. Nothing life changing or new. Just a Psalm and the first few chapters of Proverbs. Then there was a Psalm I wanted to read, but couldn't remember exactly where it was, so I went to the computer to look it up.

Of course I had to check my email first. In my inbox was a note from North Park Seminary, saying that the scholarship meeting has been moved back, and that decisions are coming soon. Knowing that they have my paperwork. Knowing that there will be an answer has taken so much weight off my shoulders. I can put that piece of the puzzle back in God's hand.

Like I said, it seems so much like a simple coincidence. But I know the timing of everything was in His hands, and my simple act of yielding was answered by a simple act of assurance that the plan is still in motion, still trust worthy, still the one I am to be on right now.

--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away

--Jesse "Gonzo" Letourneau