Conclusion of sorts (aka cacophony of thoughts part 2/edge of epiphany part 2)

When we last left our hero he had graduated from college and moved to the big city.

Okay, I didn't really move to that big of a city. But I did have a kind of "if I can make it here I can make it anywhere" attitude. The original plan was to work as a classroom teacher for a couple of years while getting my credential and then be able to work anywhere in the US as an elementary teacher.

Eight years later...

I was still working as a substitute and barely able to make ends meet. Clearly, I wasn't cut out to be a classroom teacher. I was however made to be a Children's Pastor. This fact was evident to all but me.

But before we get there I wanna back up to my first few years at Grace.
Grace was a home for me. It was more than just a place to serve, it was more than just a place to go that wasn't my apartment or the occasional sub job. It is a place where I found family and security.

I remember one Easter where I joked that I had to leave my "adopted family" (the Derby/Harsh clan) to go to my real family for their Easter meal. Before I could leave Meredith insisted that she take pictures with me and her two girls. In some very real ways, I was adopted into that family. Greg served as a surrogate father and the girls were like my little sisters.

Times change, schedules change, rhythms change, and eventually the Harshs weren't as strong a part of my life as they had been. Somewhere along the way I bonded with the McMullens. I can't even begin to describe what that family has been to me.

Between this transition there came the failed experiment of my going to UC Irvine to get a teaching credential. There were some good times, there were some hard times, some lessons learned the easy way, and some lessons learned the hard way. Ultimately, it wasn't what God had for me. Some of the failure came at my own procrastination, some came through challenges that were beyond my control.

Ultimately, I didn't pass my classes at Irvine because I didn't do all the work. Instead I spent, my time serving in the Children's Ministry at Grace.

I still remember when, after that lunch with Scott Peterson and the bus ride from the airport a few weeks later, that it finally clicked, and I knew what I was suppose to do. I was so excited to tell family and friends of my revelation. I was met with a lot of, "We already knew that." and "It's about time you figured it out." (all said in the most loving way possible.)

When I told my mom her response was, "Of course you are suppose to be in a church and not a classroom. Why didn't you pass the classes at Irvine?"

I was always a Children's Pastor, I just didn't know it.

During these years there were those who knew my story (again mostly those who worked closely with me in ministry). But it wasn't my identity anymore.

At least not to the outside world. Inside though-as I look back, I certainly didn't see it at the time-their was that sliver of need. need to be a kid. need to be a dad. need to be loved.

need to know the stories were real.

More than that, what was inside of me during these years was the belief that I wasn't good enough. There was no way I could be called into ministry, because I am no example, no model, I am too broken to fix others.

Then came John Coe. Or at least tapes of John Coe listen to and discussed in an intimate Bible Study made up of two couples (one of which were the Young Adult Pastor and his wife) and myself. Tapes of John Coe describing the dark night of the soul and what that means. Tapes of John Coe listened to and discussed in a group that had dinner parties around getting me to fill out applications and start to move forward. Tapes listened to and discussed with a group that made me cookie monster cakes and went to see Les Mis at the Hollywood Bowl.

A group that cared. Not about my mission, my calling, and certainly not about my failures. But cared about me.

Then God called me to camp.

The first part of this blog centered around the death of my father and how that impacted my identity. It started as very external thing, and slowly moved inward. By this point (circa 2008) it was moved in so deeply that even I hardly notice it.

At camp even fewer knew about my dad. Funny thing was though, they accepted me none the less. They didn't pitty me or need to support me cause I was broken, they just accepted me. Same thing happened at the church I went to. In fact during my time at ARCG/RCC I can only think of two times I told the story of my dad from start to finish (and one of those was in South Africa.)

Then I got involved in the Children's Ministry at RCC, which lead me to North Park.

Something was said to me last semester that is one of the most encouraging things and one of the most frightening things that has ever been said to me. It is encouraging because it shows the strength and healing God has already done in my life. It is frightening because it shows that my course, my path, my story was not inevitable. I had always assumed that my life with all its ups and downs just naturally led me to the place I am now.

We were sharing in small group setting about how we address God in our prayers. The group knew my story from previous conversations. I began with the statement, "I usually begin my prayers with 'Father God' which isn't really a surprise given my story." One of the response to me was, "I don't think that the way you address God is a given, given your story. I think there are several other ways you could understand God through all of that."

It was another reminder that I have been called out. Set aside, made special, made especially for the work of telling children THE story.

So here I sit. On the edge of epiphany. Here I sit ready to go back and expose the wounds, so that they may be cleaned and healed. I am not completely sure when and how this will all happen. But I am trusting God to equip the one he has called.

--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
--Jesse Letourneau

the week started out so well

The week started out so well.

We had all come into Jerusalem to celebrate the Feast of Unleavened Bread. Our rabbi told us to go to a certain man and borrow his donkey. We walked into the city and the people came out of nowhere! They began shouting and singing and waving palm branches. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. …I’m sorry. How rude of me, my name is Peter and I was one of the disciples of Jesus.

You haven’t heard about Jesus? You must be new to these parts. Let me tell you all about him.

Like I said the week started out to be wonderful. We walked behind Jesus as he rode in on the donkey. The people were singing and shouting and were so happy to see him. I learned from Jesus for almost three years now, I have never seen anyone respond to him the way the people did. No one threw him a parade when he healed the lame and blind. No one cheered when he touched the lepers or ate with tax collectors. And they certainly didn’t lay down palm branches and coats along his path when he told the crowds that following him was to follow Yahweh, and that following would be hard. In fact many left him when he did that. But I stuck around. I would never betray Jesus. Well that isn’t completely true…

So the week went pretty normal from that point on. Well normal when you spend time with Jesus. He spent a lot of time teaching. Saying things that I wasn’t really sure what they meant. But so much of what Jesus said didn’t always make since to me.

But it was the night we had our Seder Meal where things got really confusing. We were all around the table. The meal is about to begin, and Jesus stands up and goes to a corner of the room. He grabs a bowl and a towel. Then takes off his outer cloak and fills the bowl with water. He returns to the table and without a word begins to wash our feet! Our Rabbi was washing our feet! The man who only days before had been welcomed into the city with singing and celebration, was now dressed in a towel and washing our gross smell disgusting feet! The one who I thought was the one. The one we had been waiting for. The one promised to his people by The LORD was now on his hands and knees like a common lowly servant. I sat in awe as he made his way around the table.

I decided I was going to have no part in this tomfoolery. I was going to have no part in this ridiculous behavior! Wash my feet! I don’t think so! And I told him sold! No way my Lord! There is no way you are touching these gross feet of mine, that is beneath you.

Then Jesus looked me straight in the eye. There was a little smirk at the corner of his mouth. It is the same look he always gave me when I was close to what he wanted to teach us, but not really getting the point. It was the look that I knew meant, I love your enthusiasm Peter, but you are missing the point. It was his look that told me to Stop. Wait. Listen to what I am about to say.

“Unless I wash your feet then you have no part of me.” That is what Jesus said to me. Well if washing the feet is good then washing the head and the hands must be even better. No one loved Jesus more than I did. No one understood me like he did. And I understood him better than anyone else. “Wash my head and my hands as well then!” “You are already clean, you need only have your feet washed.”

From there the meal was pretty normal. That is until the end of the meal. As we were finishing the Seder meal, Jesus took some of the bread and said, “This is my body broken for you.” I will be honest here; I thought that was a really odd thing to say.

Jesus took the cup and said, “This is my blood shed for you.” No it isn’t I can see it from here, its wine. (Really good wine too, but not as good as the wine we had at Canaan that one time).

I really truly didn’t understand what Jesus was trying to say. Why was he using bread and wine to describe a broken body and spilled blood? Then it dawned on me….All last week he kept saying things about going away, and rebuilding temples. Did Jesus plan to die?

We left the upper room where had had our meal and walked outside the city to a hill known as the Mount of Olives. There is a garden there that Jesus loved. He took us all there, but told the others to stay as he went on. He brought James and John along with myself a little further into the garden. (By the way, John always claimed that he was Jesus’ favorite, but I know it was me, and I was ready to prove it.)

Jesus went further in and prayed. He told us to watch and pray. We all fell asleep. It was really late. When I woke up, Jesus walked by us, mentioned something about our inability to stay awake for even a little while and said that the time was soon.

When we came back to where the others were I could see torches being carried in the distance. As they got closer I could see that it was Judas (he had left earlier) along with some of the religious leaders and small group of Roman soldiers. I don’t know what Judas thought he was trying to prove with this little stunt, but I had come prepared. I was packin.

I drew out my sword and swung it at one of the Roman guards. He moved, but I still sliced off his ear. No one was going to take my Jesus away from me.

Then Jesus bent down, grabbed the man’s ear, placed it back on his head, and the ear was healed. Reattached and working just fine. I was confused. And hurt. Jesus didn’t seem to be impressed by my courage or my swordsmanship. He gave me a different look. One I had seen many times before. It was the look Jesus gave me when I had gone too far. He didn’t need his words to tell me it was time to put away the sword. Then Jesus did the one thing that made absolutely no sense in that whole confusing night. He walked away with the leaders, the soliders, and that traitorous little snake Judas. He went with them. He let them arrest him!

The week started out so well.

cacophany of thoughts part 1

I haven't written on here in awhile. And I certainly haven't written as much as I should.

The move to Chicago was big and scary. I wrote some post on here then, and wrote a ton for my own journal. Then I adjusted and there didn't seem to be much to write about. Then my school load became real and there didn't seem time to write.

Yet so much has happened, and is happening, but I don't know that I have the words.

To encapsulate, to sum up, to get to a point--these all seem like the goal, and they all seem impossible.

New ideas form, new experiences form.
Building on each other, influencing each other, contradicting one another.

I wake up each morning and look at myself in the mirror. Each morning I see someone new. Sometimes there is confidence behind the eyes, sometimes there is fear.
Other days my reflection echos back a man full of doubt.
Then of course there are the days when it is clear I simply need to go back to bed for ten minutes.

I look at my schoolwork
The grades. The tests. The effort.
Somedays the work isn't so hard and I know that I belong in this world.
Other times I feel like a slacker and fool.
Then there are the days where I don't care about the theory and simply want to tell the story.

The story of God. Of his care, of his Love of his Son.
I want to tell my story. My story about God. His care for me, his love for me, his love for his son.

I want to tell this story to children. I want them to know and not to doubt. I want them to know that God is with them today and tomorrow.

I want them to know that God is with them when they grow old like me.

When they look in the mirror and see fear staring back.

To know that he is there on the days they feel like a fool.

and I wonder....

I wonder do I want to teach these things so that they will believe?

or so that I will believe?

I know God is there. But do I trust that God is here?

I know that God loves me, but do I live as though I am forgiven?

Now this isn't a crisis of faith or even of calling. Deep down in my bones
in my marrow
in my soul

I KNOW that I am called, that I am made to teach Children the story of God. There is nothing I would rather do, there is nothing that I am better at.

But I know that some piece is for me. Some sliver of my efforts, some sliver of my desire and motivation is to make me feel better.
And I wonder.

I wonder if it is to make me feel better now

or make me feel better about what happened in my past.

My father died when I was 12. Most of you already know this.

When I was 13 everyone at my school (the school I had been at since Kindergarten, the school where my mother taught) knew who I was and what happened the year before. I was Jesse, whose father just died. This new title that I now wore was often said in hushed tones, least I overheard. As if I didn't know, as if I had forgotten, as if I could forget.

I moved to high school but stayed in the same private school. The distance of time and the expectation of who I was becoming (an adult) caused the title to slowly drift away. or rather behind. it was still there, it simply wasn't the first thing you knew about me. It wasn't my title, it was slowly becoming my past.

College-the time where you can reinvent yourself. The time where the past is the past and you are free to find who you want to be. I wanted to be just Jesse. I wanted to not be the kid whose father died. For one I was no longer a kid. For two I wanted people to see all the other things that I was.

Granted there are those who shared my life, shared the stories of my past and knew that my father had died. Certainly anyone who did ministry with me knew the story. The event had become a story.

No longer a title pinned to my chest, or rope drug behind me. It was now mine. I could take it out and put it away when I wanted to. It informed me of the pain of childhood and drove me to do what I could to make other children's stories better. There was only one way I knew how to do that then (there is only one way I know now).

Tell them THE story. The one of God and his love.

I graduated college and headed toward being a classroom teacher. Over 12 years, with a stop over at camp, God directed me to Children's Ministry. We'll pick up there next time.


--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
--Jesse Letourneau