If you know my God, then you will no doubt see his fingerprints on this story.
Change, Journey, Destination, Risk, Growth, Manhood, Servanthood, even Puzzles. These words have defined my road the last two years here at Alliance. Some of them stretching even farther back than that. This semester has been wrapped up in the word Identity. I have much more to write on that when the time comes.
The very condensed back story to this entry is that my identity has been shaken and stripped. Who I thought God was making me to be I no longer trusted in. I felt alone and I felt helpless. I had no control. And instead of giving control back to God (or rather admitting He had it all along) I tried to find it in other ways and by other means.
All the while my prayer was that I could give God control. But I knew I didn't really want to. Not just yet. I wanted to wallow just a little longer.
One thing I thought I knew was God’s calling for me to attend North Park Seminary in Chicago. There is another story for another day, but the short version is God asked me to become a Children's Pastor (see previous entries) and showed me my next turn was to attend North Park in Chicago.
I was happy to apply to the school, apply for the scholarships, and then wait. However, when my life turned upside down, when what I was holding onto for my identity was radically shaken, I stopped trusting and became anxious. I checked my mailbox every day (sometimes multiple times a day, as if the mailman was going to circle back and deliver a letter he had placed on the dashboard of his little white truck) for news from North Park. I needed assurance that I still knew where God was taking me. Even if only in the physical sense. I knew what I truly needed was to meet with God. To focus not on my needs but on His Word.
Here is something that a prospective seminary student maybe shouldn't admit. I have lost my Bible.
I work at a Christian camp and am literally surrounded by Bibles. But like a little whinny baby, I wanted MY Bible. Only MY Bible could do. I didn't really believe this lie, I just wanted to put off hearing from God. I was afraid of what He would say. I was afraid He would ask me to trust Him even if seminary rejected me and I had no plans for the fall.
This weekend I was sick. Legitimately sick. Symptoms, fever, aches, the whole nine yards. But I used this as an excuse to just wallow in self doubt and self pity and second guessing. I used the excuse that I was tired and wouldn't get anything out of reading the Bible.
This morning I had the day off, and felt much better. I got a couple of chores done, and even went outside. But still I felt bad, and wanted to feel that way. I knew how to change my attitude, I simply chose not to.
After dinner this evening I checked my mail (for like the third time today). And there wasn't an letter that the postman had forgotten. Instead there was a Bible bought at a second hand store. A Bible bought for me by a friend knowing I had lost mine.
So, having a Bible of my own, I sat down and read. Nothing fancy. Nothing life changing or new. Just a Psalm and the first few chapters of Proverbs. Then there was a Psalm I wanted to read, but couldn't remember exactly where it was, so I went to the computer to look it up.
Of course I had to check my email first. In my inbox was a note from North Park Seminary, saying that the scholarship meeting has been moved back, and that decisions are coming soon. Knowing that they have my paperwork. Knowing that there will be an answer has taken so much weight off my shoulders. I can put that piece of the puzzle back in God's hand.
Like I said, it seems so much like a simple coincidence. But I know the timing of everything was in His hands, and my simple act of yielding was answered by a simple act of assurance that the plan is still in motion, still trust worthy, still the one I am to be on right now.
--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
--Jesse "Gonzo" Letourneau
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