A Year (and a half) Ago

A year and a half a ago I knew one thing...
I had been accepted to NPU Seminary
Today I know one thing....
I have been called to give children voice in the Kingdom of God.

--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
 --Jesse Letourneau

but that's okay

So, I am learning (slowly) to sit with things.  To know that the presence of something doesn't mean that it has dominance or power.  It doesn't mean that this thing will last forever or will never be defeated.  It doesn't mean that a contradictory thing, thought, or even action changes my reality.

          I have fear
          but that is okay


          I have doubt
          but that is okay


          I have no idea what September holds
          but that is okay


          I not know where my next step lies.
          should i look for a pastoral position?


          should i take a year off and simply live my life apart from titles and artificial authority?
          should i stay in school and gain more training?


          there is no sign
          there is no peace
          but that is okay

          stress
          pain
          uncertainty
          but that is okay

None of those things change that I am loved, called, and equipped by God.  They can cloud and distort, they bring confusion to the path-but they change not my reality. 



--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
--Jesse Letourneau

the return

I began this journey of seminary just over a year and a half ago. I knew exactly what I wanted, exactly how long it would take, and what the "end" would look like. Now, not so much. Oh sure there are ideas of what I want, how long it will take, and even what the "end" will look like. The word exactly, however: it no longer is used to define my plans. As many of you may have noticed I haven't written a blog in well over three months. It's not that I didn't have anything to say, its just that I didn't know how to say it. And so, as it was in the past, I didn't write because I didn't know exactly what to say. And as in the past, I am going to simply write and see what happens. So here is train of thought entry number (whatever it is now, like 5 I think).

First the concrete: I can graduate in May with an MACF (Masters in Christian Formation). But I won't be doing that. Instead, I am going to spend the summer doing CPE (Clinical Pastoral Experience). The short version of CPE is that it is an internship as a Chaplin at a hospital. (It is much more than that, but we will talk more about CPE when I know what my particular assignment looks like.)

I am currently working at a church in Children's Ministry. In May that will end. CPE will begin around then, and I will move out of the apartment next door to the church in August. And then...

I don't know what happens next. The ideal would be for a bucket of money to fall from the sky and I continue my education as an MDiv student (Master of Divinity). I have felt a calling to stay in seminary and become better equipped to pastor when I leave. Of course doing school and life without a finical plan is possible. And God can provide. My current (incredibly blessed) situation attests to that.

When I came to North Park all I knew is that God had called me here, and that when God calls, God equips. So with two bags of clothes and text books bought by an old friend/colleague. I boarded a plane and flew to Chicago.

Now all I know is that God can provide, but I am not sure what it is I want, or even what I need. I don't know if I want an MDiv or a job next (neither are guaranteed, and neither are available as a simple matter of discerning and choosing a path-which in and of its self is a long story not really appropriate for the itnerwebs.

More importantly, I don't know what God has for me next (job or MDiv).

The future scares me. Relying on God scares me. Seeing myself as worthy of whatever incredible provision God will provide next, scares me. What I know is that I have a great job.

What I know is I have access to a semester more of graduate level education. What I know is that I have a summer experience that will stretch and grow me personally and professionally.

What I know is that God has a plan.
For now that's enough.
Pray with me that it will be exactly enough for now.

 --Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
 --Jesse Letourneau