ramblings

Good Morning All (or afternoon, or night, or whenever you are reading this),

I am up to go to my bank to deposit my paychecks that came before my direct deposit got set up. The bank doesn't open for another hour, so you all get to read my rambling thoughts instead.

When I was first offered this job, I wasn't sure it was the right deal for me. Of course that was six years ago. A good friend of mine came to camp six years ago to work as a Naturalist. He has been bugging me to apply for and later when he stepped into the role of Program head flat out offering me a job here. I ignored the offer, knowing that camp wasn't for me.

About six weeks ago my life finally hit bottom. Me and God were still good, but just about everything else was, well crap. I had a BA and post graduate accreditation, in the field I was positive I was called by God to work in, and yet I had no idea how to actually obtain a full time job in said field (the field is education for those of you joining us late). I wasn't able to make ends meet as the current budget crisis in CA has trickled down to severely cut sub jobs (at least in the district I was in). My life consisted mainly of sitting in front of the computer or the television, hoping/praying/wishing I would get a call so that I could work the next day.

The only positive in my life was my attendance and my service at Grace Community Church of Seal Beach. I know that no church is perfect, and I know that Grace is no exception, but it seems we do a lot of things really well, and the people I had contact with were doing the whole ministry thing for the right reasons. I love Grace, I have never been a part of a church where my needs to learn, grow, and minister were so completely met, and all of it was done with an unexplainable but certain presence of our God.

There is no way God would call me away from this church. No way I could survive without its ministries, without its people. Despite any struggles with jobs and money, I was convinced I was suppose to stay in Long Beach.

There was only one problem. I KNEW that God was preparing me to leave Grace of Seal Beach. Not because it wasn't a church full of his presence, not because it wasn't a good fit for me, but because I had begun to rely on God's blessings, and not on God. It is a fine line but it is a clear one, and one I knew in both head and heart I had crossed. That is not say that I was walking away from God or that I wasn't serving/praising/worshiping my Lord. It was that a typical Sunday for me consisted of more excitement over meeting with the people of God after the service than I was about meeting with God during.

I have never been one who easily worships God in spirit. Worshiping God in mind, that's fine, that's easy, that's built into my personality, but it takes effort for me to worship in spirit. Our Lord has instructed us to do both. Grace was a safe place were I was excited to be, but not one where I was growing in my faith like I needed to be, and more to the point it wasn't a place where I was being stretched.

Let me stop here, this isn't about Grace's programs or leadership or any shortcomings they have, this is about God moving ME to a new place. About specific things God wants to do in me. God was working through me at Grace, but I wasn't allowing Him to work in me.

I hate change. Hate it with a passion. The job situation hasn't been ideal for years, but it was always just enough. Just enough to keep me indoors, fed, and living close enough to be involved at Grace, that is all I wanted. That is all I thought I needed. Many of you know I have been trying to get a full time teaching gig for a while. Well honestly, outside of Bellflower and Long Beach, I didn't really want to teach anywhere else. Anywhere else would be too far for me to be so involved with Grace. Anywhere else would involve change. So I never really tried like I should have to find a classroom in any other district.

I feel like I could have applied for a teaching gig outside of my comfort zone (ie Long Beach), and that may very well have been in God's plan for me. If I had listened to His prompting, if I had been braver and more ready for change, I may be exactly what I always thought I would be. But even then, I think, that would have been more about what I want, and just as easily a situation where I relied on the goodness of God, to exclusion of relying solely on God.

So instead, my world stopped. Money was finally a big enough issue, and I knew I had to take action, I had to change. But how? That I honestly didn't know.

One day I was putting around on facebook. Ben Maki popped up. He offered me a job. I considered it. Everyone else was excited about the opportunity. I prayed about it, slept on it, and one week later I was on a plane headed for Northern California. Not in a million years did I think I would be living at camp. Sure going to camp is awesome. Even as a leader at camp, your responsibilities are getting kids to and from meals, to and from activities, and then to sleep at night. Granted the last one can be a little tricky, but still not like what I do now.

I have to set up and tear down zip lines, I have make sure I know the trails even in the dark, I have be responsible and knowledgeable about how a camp works and all its moving parts. I have to remember which way the cabins are that are called "Birdland" are so if I have cabin check out duty I am in the right place. I have to tie knots correctly. None of this is my strong suit. None of this is stuff that comes easily.

ALL of these things are forcing me to rely on God for strength (often times literal physical strength-working those zip lines is harder than it seems). All of these things are forcing me to rely on others for help and information. Neither of those options are things that particularly thrill me.

I like to be independent, I like to use my gifts, I like to use my strengths. I would rather not even mention my weaknesses. Let alone stretch and grow and turn them into strengths so that I can do the job God has called me to.

But that is where I am. I am in a place where I must fully rely on God and others. Which is exactly where God wants us all. I am grateful that God isn't done with me yet, I am gratefully that I get to stretch, I am grateful that God doesn't leave the course of my life up to me and my ideals of happiness. None the less please keep praying for me.

I talked alot about Grace Community in this blog. Soon I will write another about some cool stuff that has happened that God is doing there.

Right now I need to get going to get to the bank in time.

--Jesse Letourneau
Serving Him alongside all of you, just from a little further away