cacophany of thoughts part 1

I haven't written on here in awhile. And I certainly haven't written as much as I should.

The move to Chicago was big and scary. I wrote some post on here then, and wrote a ton for my own journal. Then I adjusted and there didn't seem to be much to write about. Then my school load became real and there didn't seem time to write.

Yet so much has happened, and is happening, but I don't know that I have the words.

To encapsulate, to sum up, to get to a point--these all seem like the goal, and they all seem impossible.

New ideas form, new experiences form.
Building on each other, influencing each other, contradicting one another.

I wake up each morning and look at myself in the mirror. Each morning I see someone new. Sometimes there is confidence behind the eyes, sometimes there is fear.
Other days my reflection echos back a man full of doubt.
Then of course there are the days when it is clear I simply need to go back to bed for ten minutes.

I look at my schoolwork
The grades. The tests. The effort.
Somedays the work isn't so hard and I know that I belong in this world.
Other times I feel like a slacker and fool.
Then there are the days where I don't care about the theory and simply want to tell the story.

The story of God. Of his care, of his Love of his Son.
I want to tell my story. My story about God. His care for me, his love for me, his love for his son.

I want to tell this story to children. I want them to know and not to doubt. I want them to know that God is with them today and tomorrow.

I want them to know that God is with them when they grow old like me.

When they look in the mirror and see fear staring back.

To know that he is there on the days they feel like a fool.

and I wonder....

I wonder do I want to teach these things so that they will believe?

or so that I will believe?

I know God is there. But do I trust that God is here?

I know that God loves me, but do I live as though I am forgiven?

Now this isn't a crisis of faith or even of calling. Deep down in my bones
in my marrow
in my soul

I KNOW that I am called, that I am made to teach Children the story of God. There is nothing I would rather do, there is nothing that I am better at.

But I know that some piece is for me. Some sliver of my efforts, some sliver of my desire and motivation is to make me feel better.
And I wonder.

I wonder if it is to make me feel better now

or make me feel better about what happened in my past.

My father died when I was 12. Most of you already know this.

When I was 13 everyone at my school (the school I had been at since Kindergarten, the school where my mother taught) knew who I was and what happened the year before. I was Jesse, whose father just died. This new title that I now wore was often said in hushed tones, least I overheard. As if I didn't know, as if I had forgotten, as if I could forget.

I moved to high school but stayed in the same private school. The distance of time and the expectation of who I was becoming (an adult) caused the title to slowly drift away. or rather behind. it was still there, it simply wasn't the first thing you knew about me. It wasn't my title, it was slowly becoming my past.

College-the time where you can reinvent yourself. The time where the past is the past and you are free to find who you want to be. I wanted to be just Jesse. I wanted to not be the kid whose father died. For one I was no longer a kid. For two I wanted people to see all the other things that I was.

Granted there are those who shared my life, shared the stories of my past and knew that my father had died. Certainly anyone who did ministry with me knew the story. The event had become a story.

No longer a title pinned to my chest, or rope drug behind me. It was now mine. I could take it out and put it away when I wanted to. It informed me of the pain of childhood and drove me to do what I could to make other children's stories better. There was only one way I knew how to do that then (there is only one way I know now).

Tell them THE story. The one of God and his love.

I graduated college and headed toward being a classroom teacher. Over 12 years, with a stop over at camp, God directed me to Children's Ministry. We'll pick up there next time.


--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
--Jesse Letourneau

A Year Ago Today ( "Fear the Lord")

A year ago...

I worked in a redwood forest.
I had my faith shaken in the ministry I was working for.
I found out that Howard's doesn't serve dinner.
I was asked my favorite question that I have ever been asked.

today...
I live, work, and attend seminary in Chicago.
I played "21" instead of a full game, because only two other people showed up for ball this morning.
I left early because we finished early...
..I met a man who need $6 for his child's medicine (I only had a $20 so that is what I gave him). I don't know what his need truly was, but it doesn't matter.
I sit in the office at CCP (The Church where I serve as Children's Ministry Intern).

I wonder today, what I wondered a year ago.
When will it end? When will the truth be exposed and I be found out to be a fraud?

I wonder if I have the strength to change.
I wonder how different I really am. I wonder if I am different, but not for the better.

Fear Not, the angel said to Joshua.
Fear Not, the angel said to Mary.
Fear Not, the angel said to the Shepherds.

But they were those who God had picked to lead, to bear, to witness what He was about to do, because of who they were, because of their faithfulness.

Feat Not, the angel said to Gideon.

Fear Not, the holy messenger said to the man hiding in a wine press. Fear Not, though the number of men who will fight with you is cut in half, and then cut in half again, and then cut again. Fear Not though you come at the problem with flashlights and Tupperware.

Fear Not though the only thing you have to trust in is God Almighty. Fear Not.

Lord,
I have nothing to give. Except my surrender. And yet I hold on. And yet I fear.

Today I remember when I thought I had it all. Today I want. Instead of you, I want my control back.

You stand before me and you say "Fear Not.' You remind me that the battle is not mine and never was.

I have seen you work in my life time and time again.
Yet like the nation who cried to you for deliverance,
the nation who gave you honor until they had been given comfort,
the nation who asked for kings that they could see;

I balk, I forget, I fret, I sin, I shutter at the light, I fear.

Yet while the light exposes the filth that fills my life, the light also purifies the stain.

You never leave us where you find us.
You always have an answer.
The answer is always the blood of your son.
The answer is always your perfect love.


Your perfect love...



...that drives out fear.

But you don't have to take my word for it....

(...insert Reading Rainbow "da-na-na" music cue)


So I have thought about writing an autobiography. And while I still may do that some day, I found out that Phil Vischer (Creator of VeggieTales) as already written my autobiography for me.

Okay, he wrote his autobiography. And while I didn't create or loose a major company that produced direct to VHS Bible stories staring anthropomorphic vegetables; there are some major thematic similarities between Phil's life and mine.

In fact if you swap out the word divorce for leukemia and Walt Disney for Jim Henson you pretty much have my story.

Phil even had a studio on Foster Ave. in Chicago (where school is and where my apt was last semester).

--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
--Jesse Letourneau

the edge of epiphany

I had this great and lofty goal.

I was going to sit down and tell you all the tales of January.

There was one about beginnings and acceptances (and blunderbusses) underscored by Doctor Who at the Mc Mullens.

There was a mini-adventure in the airport, and an object lesson about waiting.

There was the story of legendary Post-Christmas Gift Exchange Party that I got myself invited to.

There were everyday tales about my life, and new apartment, classes, and friends old and new.

There was half a blog about Phil Vischer's story and how it kinda echos mine.

Yet when I sat down to write, I felt empty. I feel empty like no one would care to hear my mundane little stories. That they wouldn't help you grow or understand God. So why bother.

Now I hear the protests and the complaints. I hear the reassurances of my worth and of your interest in my tales. But I'm just here to put down my thoughts, and these are them.

But here is the thing. I feel something more.

Something just out of reach. There is a wholeness and a healing for what is broken inside.

I can't grasp it yet. I can't even see it yet. But I know that it is there.

I know it will come through classes and council, friends and strangers. It will come as I sit and listen, it will come as I get up and do. It will come from above.

So I sit here on the edge of epiphany.

--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
--Jesse Letourneau

For my own amusment

So I have been at LAX fro roughly 12 hours now. I am flying standby. I am not complaining. I was able to get a friends and family ticket super cheap. That allowed me to go home and see friends and family. It allowed me to start 2012 in the place I began 2011. It allowed me time to reflect on 2011 its ups and downs, and to begin to embrace the change of that year and the challenges of this coming year. There is a blog or two in all of that.

But for now I am simply writing a blog for my own amusement. The next flight to Chicago doesn't leave for another 30 minutes, and I need to keep myself occupied in that time cause I have been here-as I said for 12 hours, and am getting quite bored.

Here is a list of some things to bring with you when you might have to spend more than 10 hours in an airport. Not just what you needs for a 10 hour day by yourself, but what you might want for ten hours in an airport.

In no particular order:

#1 Noise cancelling headphones
The ambient noise changes just enough that it is really hard to block it all the way out. I have a Bible, a computer, and a year of growth and change to process and I couldn't find a place where I could hear myself think.

#2 A really good book. Not the new book you are trying out, not a text book to get ahead in your reading. That book that takes you away. That book you can read a 1,000 times and its still new. I wish I had one (or more of those now.) I could really use a portal to Narnia

#3 Snacks-or a gift card to Mc Donalds

#4 If you are a video junkie, Music and Movies-along with those noise cancelling headphones.

#5 Journal/sketch pad/camera

#6 A single lightly packed carry on. Seriously, check the rest of it. You don't want to be lugging around multiple bags all day

#7 Comfy shoes and a pair of clean socks.

#8 a toothbrush and deodorant

#9 Layers

#10 A traveling buddy

#11 a since of the moment, an ability to reflect on the past, the ability to be "alone" in a crowd

#12 a time piece

--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
--Jesse Letourneau

The Muppets speak truth

A month ago I wrote a blog entitled The Muppets are Liars

It came from a place of beginning to heal from some past hurts. It came from a place of loving the Muppets but knowing that life is not like a movie, much less one we write.

Even, as I wrote the blog, I knew there was a part two. While the opening number of the new Muppet movie conveniently entitled "The Muppets" starts with a song that could easily be interpreted to be stating that things are grand when there is one by your side (and therefore not grand when you are alone). However the film's ending speaks of community, acceptance, and being stronger as a whole than as an individual (even paired individual) pieces.

SPOILERS BELOW FOR THE MUPPETS
(you have been warned-cause apparently spoiler warning are good etiquette here on the interwebs).

Act II of the Muppets ends with a song entitled "Man or Muppet." The two main characters must decide what they want most in life and then choose to pursue it. I first saw this film at a sneak peek in August, less than a week before leaving for Chicago to pursue what I want most in life.

A new Muppet named Walter is told that while he believes in other people that is the easy thing. Walter is admonished that eventually he will have to believe in himself. Now without getting into the idea that we are all okay and can make our dreams come true (I am looking at you Muppet Babies). There is the fact that if we believe that we can't do anything, than we won't.

In the middle of Act III The Muppets, despite kidnapping Jack Black as celebrity guest host for their theatre saving telethon and then loose their theatre and the Muppet name due to a maguffan of a clause in their 1979 Rich and Famous Contract.

At the films denouement, Kermit gives an impassioned speech about how it was not the name or the building that made the Muppets special. By telling all of them that he believes in them, Kermit lets all of his cast-mates and friends know that they are a like a family to him.

The finale has the entire Muppet cast sing a reprise of the "Happy Song" that began the film. Now instead of a a focus on family (Gary and Walter) or couples in love (Gary and Mary), the song takes on a new significance of community. The Muppets are what I like to call "found family." They are more than mere friends, they are family. There are roles of leadership and roles of support. Those in leadership look to allow everyone to find their voice. Believing in each other, believing in self, and becoming what they want to be have always been the themes of the Muppets and their found family.

Now where in ourselves should we look? Some will say to ourselves, or to God within us, or even the god in us. This particular blog post is not about the answer to that question (I'm sure everyone here knows my answer).

This blog post is to say that in a time where I am learning to follow my passions and believe in my worth, I am eternally grateful for the community that surrounds me here at North Park Seminary. Listening ears, open hearts, acceptance, encouragement, a hot dish brought to potluck, a game of pick up basketball, or even a smile. All of you have upheld me this semester. Thank you so much.



--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
--Jesse Letourneau

A Year Ago Today

Today I sit in a Caribou Coffee, wearing my new (thanks to my church's generosity) blue fleece and listening to the sounds of the customers blend with the pop/semi-acoustic/coffee house stylings of music carried by the PA system; looking out over an overcast December sky in Illinois.

A Year Ago I sat in a coffee shop/restaurant in South Africa listening to the testimonies of Merv and the other South African men on the team speak of the impact I was having on the children of that country; looking out over the interior of an upscale mall a world from home.

My mind has wandered back to South Africa several times in the last few weeks. The contrasts are striking.

Today-cold and overcast
A Year Ago-hot and clear

Today-Miles with no topography
A Year Ago-Table Mountain always in the backdrop

Days full of activities and people
Days full of books and computer screens

Learning through service
Learning through lecture

A Year Ago- Confident in who I was but unsure of how to move forward
Today-Confident I am on a path, but unsure of who I am

A Year Ago-moving forward, learning, growing, healing, confidence
Today-stillness, learning, stretching, refining, questions

A Year Ago I wrote in my journal about being on a hero's quest.

Last November I did brave things. I flew across the globe, made sandwiches, played games, sang songs, changed lives.

Last August I did a brave thing. I flew across the country (okay, only half way, but I am trying to construct parallels here). I have made friends and memories, played games and sang songs. But now it is my life that is changing.

I feel like the journey has halted. But it hasn't, the movement has simply stopped. However, in any good story, especially a quest, there is time to stop and survey, time to stop and struggle, a time to wrestle and overcome.

A Year Ago God assured me that I was made for a purpose. He reminded me that he wanted my availability.

Today God is teaching me that he wishes to remake me into his image. He is reminding me that what he needs is my availability.

Both are for the same purpose. That purpose is to bring all Glory to God.

A Year Ago I knew what but not how.
Today I am learning the how, and praying for the strength to pay its cost, knowing the what still lies ahead ...

...on this ever onward hero's quest.

--Serving Him alongside all of you, just from further away
--Jesse Letourneau